1.3 You Can’t Stop the Fun Train

Welcome back! Previously, the Maitlands swindled the town into believing they were perfectly normal, thank you very much, by hosting a rager two-year-old’s birthday party in their brand new decoy house.

I should mention that they aren’t officially “the Maitlands” until this very moment, when they decide to steal their daughter’s thunder and get married at her party. It’s a small blessing that the guests have gone home, probably with each other’s spouses (given the way things were headed last chapter).

Kirstin: Do you, Kirstin Law, take this schlep to be your lawfully wedded schlep?

Radax: Are you talking to yourself?

Kirstin: Shh! I do. And do you, schlep, take this master of cunning and thievery to be your lawfully wedded boss?

Radax: I d—

Kirstin: You may now kiss the bride.

They share their first dance to the soundtrack of “Toddler Probing the Depths of Her Nasal Cavity.”

But they can only keep up the domestic charade for so long.

Kirstin: Man, living above ground does NOT agree with my joints.

Radax: I bet little Curly Fry lives in a house like this now. With a real family who feeds her real food and remembers her real name!

Only underground can they truly be themselves.

Radax: So we’re naming this one Dog, right?

Kirstin: Ow, you broke it!

Radax: Oh. Oh dear.

Jeez Radax, could you be more eager to leave your labouring wife alone?

Radax: You told me to eat this cake.

At least throw in a few seconds of panicked flailing!

Or not.

So once again, our founder sleeps soundly through the birth of his progeny.

Kirstin: I have a feeling I’m about to do something stupid.

First comes little green Remy with a wink and a not-quite-smile.

He’s an Outdoors-Loving Virtuoso (blegh) with a penchant for French music, Vegetarian Dim Sum, and Green. My game tried to give him “Hates the Outdoors” despite the fact that “Loves the Outdoors” was already locked in, but I shut that down fast in the interest of avoiding spontaneous combustion.

Kirstin: Now you go here.

Yeah, we know the drill.

Next, a little Robin hatches from her egg.

Kirstin: Please stop this.

Her traits are equally boring—Virtuoso (locked) and Good (rolled). She’s also a boring Green lover and enjoys Ratatouille and Island Life. Booooring.

Kirstin: I’ll be back.

You couldn’t just put her on the floor like Remy?

Kirstin: I have a better place.

UM NO KIRSTIN, THAT IS NOT THE CORRECT WAY TO CLIMB A LADDER. Where is your three-point contact??

Kirstin: I’ll three-point-contact your face.

Remind me to use that on someone IRL.

Instead of being remotely logical, Kirstin places Robin on the edge of the lot with other items destined for the garbage.

Kirstin: Maybe she’ll be taken in by a nice family, like Potato Wedge.

It’s there that she chooses to give birth to the third and final burrito. Flynn is born Artistic and rolls Friendly. He likes Lime, Veggie Grilled Salmon, and Pop.

Seriously, game, what are these traits? You had three tries! We’re not friends anymore.

So there you have it. Kirstin’s biological clock may have expired, but you can’t say she didn’t do her job. You could say that job isn’t quite over, and the full implication of it is only now raining down on her…

Kirstin: I should’ve stuck to cats.

She commences her adventures in triplet parenting by taking a long, thoughtful soak and ignoring her children.

Kirstin: Maybe if I stare at this wall long enough, I’ll forget their names.

The next few days are hell with a capital everything. I can barely take my fingers out of my ears to snap any pictures, so you get an abbreviated version.

There’s a lot of this.

Kirstin: What are you doing?

Radax: Contemplating joining a mariachi band.

Kirstin: Not if I do first.

And a lot of this.

The water can’t land right next to the tub because the string lights are in the way. #SimLogic

Radax is working but can’t get his mood out of the red for a promotion. Kirstin, still on leave, struggles to squeeze in some career advancement time where she can.

Kirstin: Aaaaand one—

Cat: Mama, I need potty!

And then she’s back at it.

Kirstin: At least you’re not so bad. You’re going to grow up just like me.

Actually, we’re doing this potty training thing precisely so she doesn’t grow up like you…

Yussss. I’ll be satisfied if we can get one more positive trait into this munchkin.

As for the Boring Trio… Maybe a few negative traits would spice up their personalities? In other words, I’m not even going to try getting them all potty trained.

Kirstin: I really should have stuck to Cat!

You mean “cats”?

Kirstin: No, Cat. We should have stopped at one.

Cat: Teehee.

Fast forward to cake time. We only jumped the gun by a few hours, I swear!

Kirstin: Happy Birthday.

Kirstin: Happy Birthday.

Kirstin: Happy goddamn Birthday now let me go to bed please.

Not so fast! Now that the kids have visible genes, it’s time to decode the name theme!

*ahem* Let’s start with little Mini-Me.

Cat comes from the term “cat burglar,” which surprisingly does not mean a burglar who steals cats. A cat burglar is a thief who enters a building via an upper storey window, usually after scaling a wall/tree/fire escape. I genuinely did not know this until right now.

Remy LeBeau, or Gambit, is an X-Man raised in the Thieves’ Guild with the power to manipulate kinetic energy. Gambit has so far only been featured in the worst of the X-Men movies (Wolverine Origins) but I swear if our Remy grows up half as hot as Taylor Kitsch he wins automatic heirship, no questions asked.

Robin Hood is the legendary guy who stole from the rich to give to the poor while running through the forest with Little John and whatnot. Apparently, he’s been in all these stories but we don’t know if he actually existed or not. Kind of like King Arthur but a fox (or is that just the Disney movie?).

Finally, Flynn Rider is the pseudonym of Rapunzel’s swashbuckling love interest in Tangled, who starts out as a wanted man but I guess gets pardoned because he falls for the princess or whatever. Fun fact: his appearance and personality were based in part on other swashbuckling (what a great word) heroes like Han Solo and Indiana Jones. (Again, Flynn, if you want to win this heir poll…)

So yes, in honour of their shared trait, Radax and Kirstin’s children are all named after known thieves. They’re obviously quite a happy bunch in these pictures.

And in all pictures to come.

Robin: I’m hungry!

Cat: I’m hungrier!

Kirstin: Make it stop!

Radax: We’re never sleeping again, are we?

Cat harbours similar sentiments toward her new siblings competition.

Cat: I’ll just lie here and hope they notice me.

Miracle of miracles, Kradax do eventually get everyone down for the night and are about to get some shuteye themselves when…

Radax: I think I forgot to do something.

Yes, he was IN bed when he autonomously cancelled out the “Sleep” command he could get up and pass out.

Point taken, Radax.

I just have to include this picture of the four of them in their cribs because it will never happen again.

Flynn: Choo choo! All aboard the Fun Train!

Remy: We’re not on a train.

Flynn: But you’re the conductor! You have to make the train go!

Remy: Why are you so uncool?

Virtuoso Remy discovers his passion a few moments later when he plays his first note on the xylophone.

Remy: !!!!!!!

Robin doesn’t have any fun traits to explore, but she does know how to colour coordinate.

Anyone who’s read the Langurds had to know I would eventually get these guys a block table. I was going for “radiation-infested toxic sludge turtle” to go with the general “sewage canal” vibes of the place.

Kirstin *perpetually mopping*: Do you ever think about, I dunno, making the place less of a sewage canal?

Never really crossed my mind.

And now for our daily five minutes of job performance improvement ready GO!

Radax: One, two, three. Phew, that was fulfilling.

Kirstin: Hey colleague, what’s up? That’s cool, gotta go now bye.

It’s possible that the stagnation of their professional lives has created a rift between Kirstin and Radax.

Kirstin: Why did you make me have all these kids? My career is ruined!

Radax: Whoa, nobody made anybody do anything here!

Radax: Besides, my career’s just as doomed as yours since the game put me on paternity leave. (*A glitchy story but true.*) Even our daughter is a better criminal than we are.

Kirstin: What do you mean?

Cat: Peace out, homies!

Yeah, she managed to climb the ladder on her own and crawl to the edge of the lot, all because someone was using the xylophone she wanted. Apparently routing speaks an entirely different language when your sims live underground.

Radax: But hey, while we’re here, I think I know a way to jolt my career out of this “personal time off” crap and get us earning money again.

Kirstin: Sure, whatever you need.

Radax: Really? You’re the best!

Being married to your boss has to have some benefits, right?

Kirstin: Wait… did you just… Why, you little shit.

Radax continues to be a little shit by calling up Nancy for the first time since the burglary.

Radax: Hi Nancy! …You can call me Radax, you know. Yes, everything is great. So so great. My life is fiiiiiine. *breaking down internally*

Effective Parenting Methods with Kirstin and Radax Maitland.

Kirstin: Cat is crying.

Radax: Yes, she is.

Kirstin: Someone should go deal with her.

Radax: But I don’t want the poopy one!

Remy: Guys, guys. There’s plenty of me to go around.

Judging by the pictures I take, you’d think the toddler stage was a piece of cake. Let me tell you, the only cake around here is the endless supply rotting in the fridge.

Robin: Where are you going, Cat?

Cat: Under the table, to pull all your socks down.

Kirstin: Sure, of course HE gets to go back to work.

Yep, de-glitchified at last! Make it count, Radax!

Carpool Driver: Whoa, you’re alive!

Radax: Start the car! Get me out of here!

While I’m fiddling with Radax’s work activity, Kirstin decides to take the day off in protest.

Kirstin: Equal rights ftw.

I really can’t argue with that.

Especially since I forgot today was her birthday.

Kirstin: Hey kids, I’m about to be a grandma! You’re young enough to forget that I gave birth to you, right?

With that, she promptly succumbs to the vortex and is never seen again. R.I.P., Kirstin.

Kirstin: SNORE

This provides ample opportunity for Radax to run off with a spring chicken… in winter. Who is not really a chicken but a beautiful swan. NANCY I REGRET EVERYTHING PLEASE FORGIVE US </3

Nancy: Four kids, wow. You’ve made quite the life for yourself, Mr. Maitland.

Radax: Please, call me Radax. We’re on a date after all.

Nancy: We are?!

Radax: Yeah, ever since that “Compliment Personality” five minutes ago.

Nancy: But aren’t you married?

Radax: That’s the thing, Nancy. I think my marriage was a mistake. I feel like I’ve been living the wrong life.

Nancy: I don’t think I can date you, Mr. Maitland. Adultery is a crime, and I don’t much like criminals. I spend my days plucking them one by one from civilized society.

Radax: Aye, there’s the rub.

Nancy: What’s a rub?

Radax: Never mind.

Behind them, Livy is having some kind of dispute with her romantic interest, Isaac Luck.

Isaac: You betrayed me!

Livy: Look at what you’re wearing. Your point is irrelevant.

Radax rolls the wish to skate on a pond with Nancy. We all know that’s definitely code for something, but I thought it could be a fun date activity all the same.

Radax: This is stupid. How am I supposed to impress a girl when I look like a dumbass?

Fake it ‘til you make it, hon.

Radax: Am I making it? AM I MAKING IT?

Nancy: I’m here if you fall, Mr. Maitland!

“If” he falls, please…

They take a picture to commemorate the occasion incriminate themselves. This fleabag cat tries to join them but is denied.

Fleabag: Aw come on, I’m friends with French Fry!

Radax (offscreen): Who the heck is French Fry?

I’m not sure where Nancy goes after this, but I remember Radax has to read a book for work so I plunk him down with three hours to spare. Bros over hoes and all that. By “hoes” I mean “independent and respectable women.” And by “bros” I mean “being a criminal.”

Back home, the kiddos are adjusting to a new way of life.

Flynn: Mama?

Kirstin: …

Flynn: Gwamma?

Kirstin: There we go. What can I do for you, kid?

Later, I finally figure out how the toddlers have been getting upstairs on their own.

As you can see, it’s not disturbing at all.

“Never going to happen again” my arse! Look at us go!

Flynn: I’m the conductor of the Fun Train now!

Radax: That’s my boy.

No one could ever doubt whose boy Flynn is, and it’s not just the matching hairstyles (for which I have no regrets, by the way).

All I can say is Radax must have been a cutie as a toddler. Flynn is like a tiny adorable Disney character.

Solid resemblance, no?

And here’s a better look at Robin, who—I forgot to mention—is the only kid to inherit her daddy’s eyes!

Remy doesn’t need a “look how cute” close-up because let’s be honest, he’s probably the cutest.

If there were ever a picture to sum up life in the Maitland hideout…

Kirstin: What have our lives come to?

Radax: Shh, just accept it.

“Just accepting it” makes the time go by really fast. Soon our little Cat is ready to stand on her own four two legs.

Due to her “modest early development,” Cat becomes Friendly. I have a hard time believing that.

Cat: Don’t. It’s a scam.

For the record, she’s the second Evil/Friendly sim I’ve had in my game. Any guesses who the first one was? 😉

Cat’s not so bad though. She’s THAT kid—the one who ages up and immediately starts cleaning all the scum she had to live in as a toddler.

Cat: Just makin’ the world a better place.

Kirstin: Don’t bother, the potty’s about to overflow again.

She’s not wrong. XD

But it’s all for a good cause! Although this likely means a “modest development” trait for poor Robin too. She’ll probably get something stupid like “Easily Impressed.”

Cat: I can’t get rid of the scum, but I certainly don’t have to live in it…

Cat: …or with it.

So she opts to move her bed upstairs into the DECOY house. (Read: those stupid string lights are taking up all the available squares.) Unfortunately, whatever monster lived under it before must have clung to the bedrails for dear life.

Cat: Well hey there, little guy.

Monster: Please don’t make me go!

Kirstin thinks her job is over now that Cat has graduated from diapers. Just because you don’t like the others doesn’t mean they can take care of themselves, Kirstin.

Kirstin: I’m just a poor old grandmother who needs her sleep!

Right.

This leaves Radax to handle everything, which he does not do very well.

Radax: Why do you suck so much??

Robin: I’m sowwwwy! I just want foooood!

Radax: So hey, wouldn’t it be nice to have a little more income? Given that it’s the holidays and all?

Kirstin: Yeah, we could take the kids to Disneyland. Or the adoption agency!

Kirstin: NOT AGAIN, YOU FOOL!

To make matters worse, it just so happens to be Snowflake Day, and despite the fact that they are both at Level 5 (Bagman and Bagwoman)…

Note also that somehow, she is still Radax’s boss.

I guess you could say she was a little blue after all that.

Kirstin: Go away, you’re not funny.

😉

That’s all for now! I’m actually pacing myself for the first time in my legacy career, so this is as far as I’ve played, and I’m incredibly impressed with myself. Next time—who knows? ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN!

Happy Simming!

-Sam