1.7 Holey Matrimony

And finally, welcome to what should be the last installment of this beautiful disaster! Time to tie those loose ends into some semblance of a knot while really leaving them more tangled than ever!

Last time, shit hit the fan hard when Radax came clean about his philandering ways. Too bad there was shit on the fan so he didn’t stay clean for long. Kirstin and Nancy both hate him now, and the children are probably not far behind.

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Nancy: Ah, I see you’re pretending that dummy is Radax’s face.

Kirstin: *no answer*

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1.6 Butterfly Fly Away

Guys, I think I had a premonition back in Chapter One.

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That’s right, I’ve really gone and dropped the pot of chilli on this one. You know it’s been too long between updates when you have to re-read all your previous material to remember who your characters are. And when you laugh at all your old jokes because you have no recollection of writing them.

But those of you who read my other blog (oh shit, guess what’s been sitting stagnant since February?) know that this is par for the Gryffindork course, and that honestly, the best thing I can do for the Maitlands at this point is to get them off my hands ASAP. So let’s, er, scrape that chilli off the floor and put it back on the table!

Last time, Nancy had one chance to produce a ginger baby and blew it. Radax hit middle age and immediately began to question everything, including why grown men shouldn’t wear pretty pigtails.

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We return 10 months later to find Flynn and Remy studying their butts off. Gosh, and I can’t make it through ten minutes without a three-hour break!

Flynn: Now that I’m all knowledgeable and stuff, I see the injustice of our growing up in a literal hole.

Remy: Same, but now I know there’s nothing a simple peasant can do about it.

Behold—the two kinds of people in education.

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1.5 A Town Full of Posers

Welcome back! Last time, Radax walked a fine line when he invited Nancy Docket to live in the decoy house as his paramour, and promptly knocked her up. How long can this double life of his possibly last???

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For now, things are going alright. At least Nancy seems to be enjoying her kitchen/bathroom, always keeping it in tip-top shape.

Nancy: You would too if you prepared your meals ten feet from a toilet.

Does ten feet from a litter box count? XD

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1.4 Bred in Captivity

Welcome back! Previously, the arrival of triplets brought a swift and certain end to Kirstin’s career plans. Radax was quick to rub her nose in it; he tricked her into promoting him not once, but twice. Throw in a winter fling with Nancy Docket and he’s pretty much the Worst Human Ever.

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Now his sweet young daughter may be looking to steal the title for herself.

Cat: What are you doing on my lawn, you piece of trash?

Snowgrim: You literally built me two seconds ago.

Cat: A likely story.

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1.3 You Can’t Stop the Fun Train

Welcome back! Previously, the Maitlands swindled the town into believing they were perfectly normal, thank you very much, by hosting a rager two-year-old’s birthday party in their brand new decoy house.

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I should mention that they aren’t officially “the Maitlands” until this very moment, when they decide to steal their daughter’s thunder and get married at her party. It’s a small blessing that the guests have gone home, probably with each other’s spouses (given the way things were headed last chapter).

Kirstin: Do you, Kirstin Law, take this schlep to be your lawfully wedded schlep?

Radax: Are you talking to yourself?

Kirstin: Shh! I do. And do you, schlep, take this master of cunning and thievery to be your lawfully wedded boss?

Radax: I d—

Kirstin: You may now kiss the bride.

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1.2 The Burglar’s Cat

Welcome back!

Last time, I bet Radax’s love life and the entire fate of the legacy on a 5am police brawl. On one side, a champion of law and order; on the other, one of crime and corruption.

So who will it be???

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Gerald: $%(!#$@#^()!@#(!)@(#!!!

Nancy: Sir, I am an officer of the law. I will not be spoken to this way.

Continue reading “1.2 The Burglar’s Cat”