1.7 Holey Matrimony

And finally, welcome to what should be the last installment of this beautiful disaster! Time to tie those loose ends into some semblance of a knot while really leaving them more tangled than ever!

Last time, shit hit the fan hard when Radax came clean about his philandering ways. Too bad there was shit on the fan so he didn’t stay clean for long. Kirstin and Nancy both hate him now, and the children are probably not far behind.

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Nancy: Ah, I see you’re pretending that dummy is Radax’s face.

Kirstin: *no answer*

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Nancy: I certainly am not doing the same, no siree. ♫

Kirstin: *guttural noises*

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The kiddies are just trying to make sense of it all.

Remy: I don’t get why Grandma and Dad aren’t speaking. I mean, whatever happened with Nancy is his business, right?

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Robin: …You know Grandma is our mother, right?

Remy: …

Flynn: …

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Remy: Oh…

Flynn: Oh my god…

Robin: Yup.

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Remy: Wowwwww that makes so much sense.

Flynn: Mind blooooown.

Robin: I told you I’m not the dumb one in the family.

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Cat: Correction, you are the dumb one in the family.

Robin: Shut up, no one likes you!

Cat: Correction, being liked is for chumps.

Robin: Please stop existing.

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Mind you, the village idiot title may soon belong to Jules if Cat has her way.

Cat: Remember what we practiced, my little lukewarm milksop.

Jules: Yes, Tat.

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Jules: ♫ A, P, V, D, G, L, C! ♫

Nancy: My child is ruined!

Jules: Green means stop and red means go~!

Nancy: I have failed as a parent!

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Indeed, Nancy is visibly trying to come to terms with her meaningless existence.

Yet Another Random Kid: I could stay here forever!

Nancy (punching macaroni with emphasis): But—it’s—sure—getting—late—don’t—you—think?

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Nancy: This is fine. I can live like this.

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Nancy: HOW CAN ANYONE LIVE LIKE THIS?

Flynn: Jeez, it’s like she’s never seen a broken sink before.

She comes from above ground, remember?

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Recent events have not exactly been easy on her underground counterpart, however. For the first time, Kirstin’s career performance is slipping… among other things.

Remy: Er… Gra— Mom? Do you want a pillow or something?

Kirstin: Of course, I’ll smother him. What a great idea…

Remy: Not what I— Wow. Okay.

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Not to brag or anything, but all the kids who matter have been on an impressively synchronized/sufficiently staggered sleep schedule for most of their lives. (The first and last time I will achieve such a feat.) They also tend to have perfectly fitting dreams.

Remy – the quest for victory
Flynn – the quest for crime
Robin – the money I won’t let her donate to charity
Cat – the quest for bed

I’m gonna miss these fools. :’)

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And now for the Redemption™ this legacy has been waiting for.

Jules: Daffy?

Radax: You mean “Daddy?”

Jules: Flabby!

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Radax: Come here, you little dumb blond.

Jules: GOOBY! ❤

Awwww. Now imagine how much cuter this would be if Jules had red hair.

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Not everyone is warming up to the kid just yet.

Robin: Boo!

Remy: Can it!

Flynn: You’re trash!

Cat: …You are everything I hoped.

Their relationship is… almost sweet?

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Let’s also note the brilliance of Flynn literally taking the party with him from whatever place this happened at.

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In another neck of the woods, Nancy is on a quest to find herself by sampling a little of everything she’s missed out on.

Nancy: What a marvellous show! I had no idea such things were possible!

Mediocre Acrobat: Girl, either you don’t get out much or you belong in showbiz because I believe every word you’re saying.

Nancy: Truly? Wow, thank you, sir! I’ll be right back!

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Forging your career path based on Midlife Crisis whims? Not advisable.

(Although—and I’m saying this because I’ll forget to later—she does make short work of her first two promotions.)

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Also in the thralls of midlife – Starlight Shores’ famous frenemies.

Mercedes: I can’t believe I ever wanted to be you! *totally still figuring out where she got those shoes*

Sadie: *miserable and alone but grudges are grudges*

#girlpolitics

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In a thrilling Part Two of Nancy Discovers Life™…

Nancy: Don’t go easy on me, Miss!

Challenger: Oh, I won’t miss.

Nancy: Nice, I see what you did there!

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Nancy: Go long!

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In the end, she lands right back where she began. Metaphorically, that is.

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And realizes that she’s dug her hole, so now she’ll have to sleep in it.

Nancy: I don’t want to sleep in a hole! I want to be young and spontaneous and order a birthday cake for breakfast!

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Well…

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…you picked the right hole to sleep in, didn’t you?

Nancy: Look at me go!

And that’s how she finally accepts her pitiful life just the way it is. The end.

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It’s a good thing someone remembers to look after her kid while she’s finding herself and whatnot.

Cat: I admire my parents’ career ambitions and all, but holy bejesus this place is a dump.

Jules: Jeblebus?

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Cat: Oh, Jules. When did you get here?

Jules: Are you on my side or not? This is so confusing!

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Also confusing: Kirstin remains Radax’s boss even after she’s branched into the Evil track. Things are particularly tense right now; Kirstin is losing her marbles and Radax is walking on them.

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Good choice, buddy.

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Better safe than sorry.

But despite all the sucking up he’s doing at work…

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…Nancy is the one on his mind when he gets home.

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Let’s just say boss lady ain’t happy.

Kirstin: Can that little gingerbread cookie do a roundhouse kick? Pick a lock? Keep a squadron of minions in check?

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Nope, but she can (kind of) play the guitar? Jokes, this is her first time picking one up.

Nancy: ♫ When you try your best but you don’t succeed… ♫

Jules: Thanks for teaching me to walk so I can get the frick outta here.

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New musical unit in the making?

Robin: Just call us “Xyolin”!

How can you not see that “Robin Jules” is the obvious choice here?

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Contrary to these developments, Jules is still very unpopular.

Jules: Welcome home, fam! Come inside!

Flynn: Little brat.

Remy: What a try-hard.

Cat: I don’t recall teaching you that word.

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I just spent a long time with my finger on the delete button, trying to figure out why I put this here. Then I remembered that the toilet was outside until now, and and barely lived to see the gleam of bathroom tiles and indoor plumbing.

Radax: Hang on, buddy! WE’RE LOSING HIM!

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Nancy adds a memento of her own to the creepy display above her bed, kindly modelled here by Flynn.

Flynn: My pleasure.

He’s waiting until I leave so he can swipe his own prom picture and burn it.

Flynn: Nope.

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Meanwhile, Kirstin is happily yelling at schleps when she suddenly feels compelled to walk out the door into a police stakeout.

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Kirstin: Fuuuuuuuuuuuck, I thought it was an ice cream truck!

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Kirstin: Do you at least have, like, a popsicle or something in here?

Officer: No, Miss. Popsicles are for children and local heroes.

Kirstin: Well what the heck are you good for then?

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Gladly she can keep getting swole behind bars, especially since the game kidnapped her halfway through her workday. 😡

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The injustice!!!

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But the prison sentence seems remarkably short for literally devoting your whole life to evil.

Officer: Have a nice night, Mrs. Maitland!

Kirstin: Hmph. You remind me of someone else I hate.

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It’s true—women of the law have always been a thorn in Kirstin’s side.

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At some point—probably after the Roscoe debacle—Flynn stopped going out and really cracked down on his painting skills. Wow what a coincidence—just when we need a portrait painter!!

Flynn: I thought Remy was supposed to do this.

Remy developed… other interests.

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Remy: Look I ate a ghost pepper!

Cat: Good, maybe it’ll scour the impure thoughts from your head.

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I knew I put that pervstache on him for a reason.

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Kirstin: Boy, if you done started painting me all lopsided there’s gonna be hell to pay.

Flynn: *mutters* *tosses canvas*

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It’s official—Radax has evolved into a monochromatic being.

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And it pays, too!

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Kradax’s firstborn is becoming quite the chef. None of her traits are even vaguely chef-related, but she seems to have found her calling nonetheless.

Cat: No one expects a baker to be a murderer.

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Cat: 28 different dishes to bury poison in, you say?

And this is why Evil/Friendly is the worst combination.

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Nancy: It’s a good thing our branch of the family will be taking over after the heir poll, right little man?

Jules: LOL good one Mom.

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Nancy: Well, they could at least show some support for their half-brother.

Kirstin: Our little Jules is growing up, WHAT A JOYOUS OCCASION. *leaves*

Jules: It’s okay, I’m used to it.

Moments later, the game lauds our “excellent parenting skills” and lets him roll a crappy trait instead of locking one in. He gets Hot-Headed.

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Of course I dress him like a little thuggin’ turd so that no one will ever trust his intentions.

Jules: Mom, I think I should tell you Cat’s been teaching me the wrong stuff on purpose.

Nancy: Why you little snot, what a terrible thing to say about your sister!

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Well, he tried.

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And then he gets funnelled into the only pastime that seems right for a child of his disposition.

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All the while, he really just wants to be a writer.

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“You’re throwing away your dream!”

“No, Dad. I’m throwing away yours.”

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We’re all about holding on to your dreams around here. Poor Robin is absolute garbage on the violin, and everyone has the heart to tell her.

Robin: Look at this form though!

Kirstin: Play loud enough and you might drown out the sound of Vivaldi rolling in his grave.

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Robin: *soulful lament*

Cat: Can’t you go play that shit in a park?

Remy: Or a lake? The bottom of a lake?

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A little subconscious persuasion during a bathroom break finally gets through to her.

Cat: Robin, this is God speaking. A bunch of ducklings are about to get struck by lightning unless you save them with song.

Robin: Oh my gosh, I have to go save them!

Cat: And don’t return until you get gud. IT IS THE ONLY WAY.

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Robin: Don’t worry duckies, I gotchu.

There, now everyone is happy.

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Happy… or at least free to run from their problems in peace?

Radax: What problems? I just love the open road!

Chyeah, someone’s afraid to man up and—

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—atta boy, nothing wrong with pouring yourself into your work, I always said!

That’s both our founders at Level 7 now, and pursuing their respective branches.

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Kirstin: Branches? I don’t respect branches. HIYAH!

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Kirstin: MOTHERFUCKER.

Serves you right for that terrible pun.

Kirstin: But you wrote it!

Idk, whatever.

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It goes on and on. At some point, Radax has to stop being a kiss-ass and get on a level with his co-schleps, right?

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We’ll talk about this at home,” she says to Radax only, spitting fire with her eyes.

It was nice knowing you,” says Radax to his new friends

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“Talk about this at home” takes an unexpected turn.

Kirstin: What do you say we let bygones be bygones, hmm?

Radax: Gahhhh stranger danger!

Nice gut response, idiot.

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Kirstin: I don’t get it! We’re so similar… how could this not work out?

Radax: Maybe it’s ‘cause I was born on a spaceship?

Kirstin: STOP SAYING THAT!

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Kirstin: Whatever. I’m not gonna waste any more of my life pining for the schlep who stole my toilet. I hereby pronounce us divorced.

Radax: Can you even do that?

Roscoe: Uhhh guys, I think I picked a bad day to come over…

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Roscoe: …who wants to do some HOMEWORK!

Flynn: You probably don’t wanna sit there.

Roscoe: Why?

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Kirstin: This is for questioning my authority at work! I may not be your wife anymore, but I’m still your boss!

Radax: Wow, I did NOT plan my life very well.

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*thirty minutes later*

Kirstin: I should’ve married Brandon!

Radax: Yeah? You could’ve sent your kids to the School of Peace and Love!

Kirstin: At least that place taught me how to climb ladders!

Radax: You lived in a swamp!

Kirstin: You wore pigtails for five years!

Radax: Need I mention French Fry?

Kirstin: What the fuck was French Fry?

Cat: I’m a cold-blooded troll and even I’m scarred by this.

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Not that we’re keeping score because that would be stupid and petty at a heart-wrenching time like this, but Kirstin totally won, guys.

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She also rolled this immediately after the fight. You guys won’t give my heart a break, will you?

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That’s right, even I’m feeling a little bittersweet right about now.

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And then there’s Jules, the poor guy who watched this all unfold at such an impressionable age.

Jules: Violence is the answer to all problems.

There’s no undoing that damage.

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Not to mention Roscoe, the unwittingly implicated schoolmate(/boyfriend?).

Roscoe: But what could be behind this incredibly obvious secret door?

Nancy: Trust me, kid, you’re better off not knowing.

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Jules: ♫ Despacito ♫ This is how we do it down in Puerto Rico ♫

Cat: Hey Troy Bolton, you got something you want to tell us?

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Jules: Not at all, I’m a jock through and through! Stick to the status quo, yo.

A real jock would not be quoting that.

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And a real jock never admits weakness, apparently.

Nancy: Are you sure you don’t need potty before bed?

Jules: Jeez Mom, stop calling it that! I’m a big boy now!

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Jules: Ugh, crap.

A tragic case of I Told You So.

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With that, Nancy decides it’s high time they assimilate with the downstairs dwellers.

Jules: What am I supposed to do?

Nancy: Go socialize. Make friends.

Jules: But they’re all doing stuff!

Nancy: You just have to slide seamlessly into their routine. Here, I’ll show you!

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Robin: *dramatic medieval ballade*

Nancy: *TWING TWANG TWANG*

Robin: Hey, what the fuck?

(Note—Robin doesn’t suck anymore, so she’s allowed to play in confined spaces now.)

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A nice sit-down meal ought to do the trick.

Nancy: Say something thoughtful, dear.

Jules: You should really think about getting nicer chairs.

Robin: You should think about getting a nicer face.

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Jules: Mom, she’s being mean.

Nancy: Sorry, but you walked right into that one.

Robin: Neheheheh.

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Jules: This idea was stupid! You’re stupid!

Kirstin: That’s how you talk to the floozy who raised you? Go soak your hands in boiling water!

Jules: Er, yes ma’am!

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Kirstin: And keep ‘em there ‘til they blister, you hear?

Jules: O-okay.

I guess she’s not the boss for nothing…

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…or rather, the sidekick now. I feel bad for whoever’s pretending to be her alpha.

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“Sidekick” is apparently insulting enough that she’s willing to self-sabotage. Not that I’ll allow it, of course.

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Jules apparently takes a liking to Robin despite her scathing remarks.

Jules: Can you read me to sleep?

Robin: Huh? Oh, I guess so.

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Jules: Great! You go find a book while I get cozy right here in your bed.

Robin: Damn kids.

She proceeds to read him Demand Excellence or You’ll Get Mediocrity, a title probably loaded with meaning in this situation.

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Then makes a beeline for the anger-venting board.

Robin: Kids are the worst. I will never have kids.

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Jules: Wow, someone sucks at darts.

A double whammy considering she just got you to sleep???

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But never mind that, because Radax just hit Level 8!

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And got things for it!!!

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Radax: Life is wonderful. I feel like I could do anything, be anything!

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Radax: Rooobiiiin, I am your conscience…

Robin: Really?!

Radax: You suuuuck, gooo hooooooome…

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Robin: Dad wtf.

Radax: Gotcha!

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Oh look, all the triplets together in one place!

Remy: Are you about to make us do group activities?

Flynn: I think she is…

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OH WOW LOOK AT THIS FUN GROUP ACTIVITY!

Robin: Drown ourselves on three?

Remy: One, two…

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Well that escalated quickly.

Grey Sweats: Guys it’s fine, he just went in the haunted house.

Gordon: What haunted house?

*reaper music starts playing*

Alright kids, time to go home!

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Where equally exciting things are happening!

Jules: I want a moped and a fidget spinner!

Nancy: You’ll get a slice of birthday cake and nothing more.

Just kidding, even Nancy can’t muster excitement about her son’s birthdays anymore.

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He ages into this creepy looking thing. His crushed dreams and “indifferent study habits” (I don’t actually recall him going to school?) make him a Frugal young man by default.

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And don’t worry, he’s still an asshole.

Jules: You’re telling me you were a police officer but you threw it all away for a guy who lives in a hole? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!

Nancy: Enough! Go to your room!

Jules: I don’t HAVE a room! WE LIVE IN A HOLE!

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And while parents and children are “bonding” over history long washed away…

Radax: Did I ever tell you the story of the Twice-Stolen Toilet?

Robin: I don’t want to hear a story about a toilet, Dad.

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But oh, what a story it’s been! Thank you all for joining me on the ride!

Next step: heir poll! I can’t wait to see which of these schleplings will lead the Maitlands into their next battle—and the best thing is that I’m not responsible for any of it! Wanna bet the next three gens go by faster collectively than this one did on its own? 😀

Keep an eye out for a link right here once I post the poll on Boolprop. I’ll be back with the results and to answer a Liebster nomination—but after that, it’s sayonara for Gryffindork. 😥 You can find me (sporadically) on either of my main blogs—The Dysfunkshinul Legacy or Sim Salad—and possibly cooking up a side project I really don’t have time for (whoops).

Generation Two will be spearheaded by the wonderful whalerssims of the Scatterday Matriarchy, so look out for Emily’s posts when they start rolling in!

It’s been a time.

Happy Simming!

-Sam

EDIT: Heir poll is up, go do the voting thing!!!

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Author: gryffindork7

I like cats. This is a really thorough bio.

2 thoughts on “1.7 Holey Matrimony”

  1. LMAO, Remy taking the party with him. Oh, my man, I love him so much. And thanks for the song, too, because I really had time to go into a youtube spiral at work…

    But then Robin being terrible at the violin is oh so great. You know you’re a successful middle child when you annoy the snot out of the rest of the family, and everyone hates you. Now if only she can rise above the muck and become heir, it will be a boon to middle children all around the world! Then again, she is leading this legacy, so they’ll probably still live in a hole for the foreseeable future.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hmm…who to vote for. I adore the inadequacies of Robin and Jules. Flynn is definitely a chip off the old block, but maybe too face-cloney. Cat has such an awesome personality, but she might also be a tad too face-cloney. Remy…Remy’s a interesting little idiot; a Loser Daredevil, that’s sure one for the books!

    Now, to make the difficult decision, for better or worse!

    Liked by 1 person

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