Guys, I think I had a premonition back in Chapter One.
That’s right, I’ve really gone and dropped the pot of chilli on this one. You know it’s been too long between updates when you have to re-read all your previous material to remember who your characters are. And when you laugh at all your old jokes because you have no recollection of writing them.
But those of you who read my other blog (oh shit, guess what’s been sitting stagnant since February?) know that this is par for the Gryffindork course, and that honestly, the best thing I can do for the Maitlands at this point is to get them off my hands ASAP. So let’s, er, scrape that chilli off the floor and put it back on the table!
Last time, Nancy had one chance to produce a ginger baby and blew it. Radax hit middle age and immediately began to question everything, including why grown men shouldn’t wear pretty pigtails.
We return 10 months later to find Flynn and Remy studying their butts off. Gosh, and I can’t make it through ten minutes without a three-hour break!
Flynn: Now that I’m all knowledgeable and stuff, I see the injustice of our growing up in a literal hole.
Remy: Same, but now I know there’s nothing a simple peasant can do about it.
Behold—the two kinds of people in education.
Jaded little peasant that he is, Remy shows a softer side with his CREATURE OF HADES KILL IT WITH FIRE Imaginary Friend.
Cat: Want me to do something about that?
I mean, you can try?
Cat: HEY EVERYONE REMY PLAYS WITH DOLLS
Remy: *drops it like a hot brick*
Feel free to notice Jules in the background, but I shall continue to boycott his existence until he’s done something to redeem himself.
Lately, Radax’s life is a bottomless pit of sludge. So when one of his accomplices throws him a rope and invites him to a house party, I all but shove him out the door in desperation.
Ani-Mei: Hey Radax, cool pigtails.
Radax: Excuse me but I must read this self help book.
Ani-Mei: OH THANK GO— I mean, uh, you do you!
Unfortunately, “party” is not in his vocabulary right now.
Flynn: Don’t worry guys, I know how to have a good time!
Ariella: He brought his kid?
Ani-Mei: Hey, don’t look at me. I just rob banks with the guy.
The party doesn’t really get off the ground despite the efforts of Token Guitar Guy.
Flynn: Oh jeez, there’s always gotta be one.
Don’t knock it—Radax is on the verge of making a facial expression!!
Flynn wakes up from his late night to find himself inundated with phone calls.
Flynn: I’d better get used to it. I’m popular now.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Flynn: And what makes you think you are worth my precious time?
Well, we’ve done it. We’ve gotten ahead of ourselves.
Cat is rapidly becoming an expert at putting the younger kids in their places.
Cat: Silly Jules, candy is for non-disappointments only.
Jules: But you’re blonde too!!!
Cat: Yes, but they had no expectations of me, so I can’t possibly disappoint them. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
With absolutely no nefarious intentions, she decides to do a little more teaching.
Cat: Alright, my little vanilla bean, let’s play a game.
Jules: Oh boy!
Cat: When I say bathtub, you say “rutabaga.” Got it? Bathtub.
Cat: What an idiot.
Jules: But I’m learning skills!
Cat: Exactly. Stop.
Cradle-stage sabotage does not prove so easy in the end. Tough luck, Cat.
Remy showed early promise with the brush and canvas, but it’s hard to be optimistic when he just paints the same space rock again and again.
Remy: There is always something to be learned from repetition.
Don’t let Cat hear you waxing poetic!
Remy: I like rock.
Signs of a healthy marriage: listening to each other’s huffing and smelling each other’s perspiration from just around the corner, knowing your pull-ups are in sync even if you can’t see each other, as you race toward the same promotion. ❤
Signs of an unhealthy marriage: keeping a concubine upstairs.
Radax: Yo Nancy, we cool right?
Nancy: Oh yes, we are totally cool.
That’s about the extent of his relationship upkeep. Shit is bound to hit the fan soon.
Oh—speaking of bad marriages, remember Sadie Mason and Rich Richmond? She caught him canoodling with her copycat BFF but married him anyway? Don’t do it, kids. This is what happens.
Sadie: Come along Dora, let’s go to the store.
Dora: NO I WANT TO GO TO THE JUNGLE
Dora: What is this curly green thing doing in my house?
Flynn: Yeah man I’d better call you back, this girl I went home with turned real crazy real fast, you know how it is.
Each of the triplets has their own way of de-stressing after school. One paints, one mingles, and the other gets off at the wrong bus stop and forgets who she is.
Robin: This is where I live now.
Taxi Driver: Come on sweetie, I’ll take you home.
Which adds a whole new level of awkwardness when she also arranges play dates at home.
Percy: I LOVE IT HERE!
Nancy: Please leave.
We can only hope that Jules develops an equally stand-apart personality, but for now he is a mere hunk of irrelevant pixels under a mop of sad, blonde hair, and Nancy is a treasonous scum.
Jules: I’m the worst!
Nancy: He’s a baby, do you really have to caption him like that?
Until you atone for your treason.
Nice try, fools. It’ll take more than that.
Robin: *sits down* Heya sis, what’cha doin’?
Cat: You know eating brains won’t make you smart, right?
Robin: … *stands up* Welp, see ya later.
Poor Robin might be the most misguided child I’ve ever played.
Which is a recipe for a very well-adjusted teenager, I’m sure.
Remy: Let’s not forget who was born first here, alright?
Flynn: We already blew out our candles. That makes us older than you now.
Surprisingly, they all get to roll traits because of their “success in school” (what?). Unsurprisingly, they all pick rotten ones anyway. Remy rolls Daredevil, Robin is now Grumpy, and Flynn gains the unofficial family trait of STEAL EVERYTHING.
Remy: I wonder if I could swing from those string lights.
Robin: Get ready, I’m ‘bout to make this place real unpleasant.
Flynn: *entranced by a shiny thing ten feet away*
Cat: Hey Grumpy, I’m Friendly. Nice to meet you.
Robin: Friendly isn’t even a real dwarf!
Cat: Are any of them real?
Robin: Oh my god Cat, dwarves are people too!!
Cat: Hey Good, I’m Evil. Nice to meet you.
These two are going to get along just swimmingly.
The things that happen when you play your game on autopilot…
Bryce Foster-Savage: Are we on a date? Did you bring your kid?
Nancy: If Tewl Langurd did it, why can’t I? You know, I already see the flaw in those words as they’re coming out of my mouth.
Nancy: But I promise, it’ll be like he’s not even here!
Bryce: Nah lady, it’s just too weird.
Nancy: Oh, I see. It’s because he’s green, isn’t it?
Bryce: What? No, I—
Nancy: Good day, sir.
Bryce: What just happened?
I would tell you, but it’s been a year since I played this and I barely remember your name.
Good thing I have this incriminating pop-up to remind me! (Not that Nancy is in a position to judge in that department.)
Oh, and now we’re in China? Do I even know the meaning of continuity?
Flynn: Hmm, no one knows my face here…
Robin: …and sitting on the ground with an empty mind is actually encouraged…
Remy: …and for once, my clothes don’t look totally stupid!
You hit that one on the head, Remy.
Ah, this must be the real reason behind the trip. I sure was gung ho about those career advancement opportunities. (Fun fact: “gung ho” is actually an early Chinese expression—look how cultured I am!)
Kirstin: Don’t look at me, I’m a failure!
But you’re still ahead of Radax (in so many ways)!
Looks like we could be here a while.
Best find something to keep the others busy. Robin pulls a lesser errand from the adventure board.
Ho Sung Kim: Miss, where are you going?
Robin: I’m off to see the relic merchant!
Ho Sung Kim: But I am the relic merchant!
Robin: Nice try, disembowelled voice! I think I know what I’m doing!
Well. What do you have to say for yourself?
Robin: Everybody makes mistakes.
Everybody has those days.
Robin: Please don’t.
♪ Everybody knows what—what I’m talkin’ about. Everybody gets that way. ♪
Robin: Get out of my life.
Remy gets the real good adventurey stuff, but three sims is quite enough to manage, thanks.
Remy: Where are you going?
Flynn: Home base, I’m spent.
Remy: But we just got here?
Flynn: Yeah but then I saw your face.
Remy: Adventure, here we come!
A.k.a. the only five minutes your outfit will ever match the scenery. Soak it in!
I didn’t mean that literally, but okay.
Remy: You’re the worst.
After completing one tomb, he rolls this trash. On behalf of the poor soul who has to play the next generation, and as someone who will forever flaunt the badge of completing it with an Outdoors-Hating sim…
Remy: Dream crusher! Oppresser! Perpetuator of injustice!
What happened to “there’s nothing a simple peasant can do about it”?
Remy: My bad, thanks for the clarity. I shall happily return home and become a bricklayer.
Robin: No fair, how come you got to do all the cool stuff?
Remy: Fair schmair! Death comes for us all in the end, Robin.
Flynn: Maybe eating all those ancient coins wasn’t the best way to smuggle them home…
You may be wondering why Cat missed out on the trip. Well, somebody had to look after our unstable patriarch.
Radax: LOVE IS CRUEL. HAPPINESS IS A SHAM. HUMPTY DUMPTY WASN’T EVEN AN EGG.
Cat: Dad, this is just your menopausal hormones talking.
Radax: YOU’RE RIGHT. I’M SORRY.
She lets him sleep it off while she quietly and diligently whips up some apple pancakes.
Robin: Sucking up, eh? Two can play at that game.
Radax: Cat’s still better than you.
Robin: WHAT THE HELL! THIS FAMILY IS A JOKE!
Well, I certainly hope so.
And then, as per tradition, this pop-up completely blindsides me and I fly into a panic, exing out 5 billion actions to get the teens in the limo on time.
Remy: Hurry, everyone! I can’t wait to spot wardrobe malfunctions and laugh at Ethan’s dance moves!
Flynn, meanwhile is a little preoccupied.
Flynn: Dammit, there goes all my China loot…
Mystery Visitor: Hey man, uh… we’d better get going.
Flynn: Roscoe? What the hell are you doing here?
You see, a few days ago, Flynn received a strange phone call. It’s worth prefacing this with the fact that both parties involved…
…are evidently heterosexual.
Some simmers might see the obvious miscalculation here and let it go with a small chuckle. But oh no, not I.
Especially because this pair’s history goes way back — to when Roscoe paid off the principal to find him a chum, and became literally the only reason Flynn got an A in elementary school.
Romantic soiree in the making, don’t you think? ❤
Remy: You’re going to prom with a guy? That’s embarrassing.
Flynn: Not as embarrassing as swallowing money and flushing it down the toilet.
Remy: But you did that too…
Something tells me these kids don’t make the best impressions at school.
Butterface: Please save me, your sister’s scary!
Cat: Can I fucking help you?
Could it be a product of their… unusual home life?
Kirstin: What is she talking about? What’s unusual about it?
Radax: Absolutely nothing at all that’s absurd we are flawless haha?
Kirstin: Seriously Pippy, what’s unusual about it?
Radax: Can I go to the bathroom?
Radax: And by the bathroom I mean my employment.
Kirstin: We’ll finish this talk later, schlep.
Yes, Radax’s double life is beginning to crumble in his little green fingers. To be honest, I think everyone knows but is pretending not to in order to draw out the squirming.
For one thing, he’s not doing a very good job of separating his worlds anymore.
Conveniently looming over their sleeping auntie stepmother a total home-wrecking stranger, mementos of a prom night for the ages. That last part is a lie too, but you can only use so much strikethrough in one sentence.
I’ll spare you the pop-ups; Remy won Prom King, Robin most fights, and Cat most rejected dances. Their parents are very proud, I’m sure.
As for Flynn and Roscoe, these I will not spare you. For in one night, what must have been a dare promposal slowly sank into a much deeper lie which neither party has the balls to bow out of.
They’re dating now, naturally.
Robin: Hey, learn to walk straight!
Flynn: Shut up, it’s not a real thing!
Cat: No, dummy, you’re literally walking the wrong way through that door.
Nancy: What if there were felons living under my feet right now… Silly Nancy, you do have quite the imagination!
Alright Radax, time bomb’s a ticking. Let’s milk this for all it’s worth.
Radax: Say, how about a promotion?
Kirstin: You suck lately, how about a raise instead?
Radax: I’ll take it!
Kirstin: By the way, who’s the redhead in the bed behind you?
Radax: What’s that, a nursery rhyme? Haha, I have an appointment!
ARE YOU IN CHINA???
Good lord. July of 2016 Sam has a lot to answer for.
Apparently I didn’t have the foresight to buy two training dummies the last time we were here, and Radax just pulled the same work opportunity as Kirstin.
Ho Sung Kim: Did you swim here?
Radax: What can I say? I really needed a big piece of wood to hit.
So couples training is a thing now, although—as with everything they do together—Kirstin is just a little bit better.
“Just a little bit.”
The children too spend their mornings chasing self-improvement hurriedly making themselves more interesting before the heir poll. Cat has discovered a love of books with chef hats on them.
Cat: I skipped all the parts about fire safety, is that okay?
Remy has forsaken paintbrush for pull-up bar, but as for the technique, he hasn’t quite grasped it yet.
Flynn is preparing to take over the family business.
Flynn: Cut flowers. Retail value $10. Prevalence: Common. Durability… forever.
True say, Kirstin gave those babies to Radax back in Chapter 2.
And Robin… Oh no girl, don’t you dare.
Robin: Too late.
I’m begging you please—
*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK* … *SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK* … *SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK*
Robin: I have found the song of my people!
Flynn: Dad make her stop.
Radax: Shhh, let her find herself.
Don’t worry, guys. She’ll get better.
Nancy and Jules do things sometimes, but tbh, most of the screenshots I’ve culled this chapter have been of them.
Jules: Happy Birfday, Mommy!
Nancy: I had a birthday? Who would’ve known??!
You made sparkles and got a bit wrinkly. Big whoop. Nothing quite as radical as—
Oh hell yes! Time to whip out the hair gel and get your life back together, buddy!
(And may I just say what a successful crisis it was.)
Radax: My family is so beautiful.
Yes, and you have enjoyed them for too long, you filthy snot.
Remy: Hey, can I borrow your violin for a bit?
Robin: Why, do you want to learn too?
Remy: Yep, that’s definitely the reason.
Radax: May I just say how wonderful you’re—
Kirstin: You fucked up, schlep.
Kirstin: I forgave you for the toilet, but this… this is at least twice as bad. You thought I wouldn’t notice, huh? You think it’s every day a woman pops out a green baby?
Radax: I’m a fool!
Kirstin: THERE YOU SAID IT, NO TAKEBACKSIES.
Kirstin: You will never be as cool as me, Radax Maitland.
Our founder is, as always, terribly inept at reading situations.
A monster rises from the deep.
Kirstin: Where is that ginger tramp? I’mma kick her ass so hard my foot comes out her pretty little mouth!
Robin: Ewww Mom, that’s just wrong.
Lucky for Nancy, Radax gets to her first.
Nancy: Decided to grace us with your presence, have you? We’ve had quite enough of being hidden away and undervalued, Radax. Kindly man the fuck up and acknowledge us or say your fucking goodbyes! Please and thank you.
Radax: *gasp* She called me Radax!
Never mind little Jules back here, just having his innocence shattered.
(No really, don’t mind him. He’s still a traitor.)
All that fighting may have hit Nancy harder than it seemed—particularly given that, along with sparkles and wrinkles, her recent birthday also came with a midlife crisis.
Flynn: I am absolutely not plunging this toilet for coins.
I decide to help ease her through it better than I did Radax, since she’s done less to deserve her misery.
But then she gets really greedy with her first wish and I almost reconsider.
Fortunately, her second is much more manageable. And laughable.
Nancy: NOTHING CAN HURT ME THE WAY I’VE BEEN HURT. BRING ON THE NEEDLE!
Sam: Lol Nancy is here and she’s making a total scene.
Emily: New phone who dis?
Sam: Oh come on, it’s not a goat video this time!
Tattoo Artist: What do you have in mind, dear?
Nancy: My boyfriend is a lying liarface and I want to mark my rebirth as a free woman.
Tattoo Artist: You and my last sixty customers. Come on, I’ll show you the Post-Breakup Empowerment stencil book.
Nancy: Oh, thank you ma’am, I feel so special and unique!
Tattoo Artist: Sure, kid.
I think I’ll wrap this up before my past self takes another narrative detour to China or whatnot. Thanks for bearing with me! One more chapter until the heir poll? I will write it soon? (Question marks negate responsibility, right?)