Welcome back! Last time, Radax walked a fine line when he invited Nancy Docket to live in the decoy house as his paramour, and promptly knocked her up. How long can this double life of his possibly last???
For now, things are going alright. At least Nancy seems to be enjoying her kitchen/bathroom, always keeping it in tip-top shape.
Nancy: You would too if you prepared your meals ten feet from a toilet.
Does ten feet from a litter box count? XD
Still, I think she deserves a little reward for all the literal and figurative shit she puts up with.
Nancy: Ooooh, a Swedish massage would be real nice.
Nope, we’re poor. But I can offer you…
…a day at the Spring Festival!
Nancy: It’s already 4pm, but I’ll take it!
The kids have a fun new hobby, and it’s called bringing home randoms from school and then completely ignoring them.
Roscoe: Who’s up for hopscotch and juiceboxes?
Cat: And now we retreat slowly inside.
Other kid: Help, I left my face on the bus!
And obviously, it’s a par-tay up in here.
Remy: John has twelve apples and forty-six baseball bats. He gives three tacos to his son and hops a plane to Fiji. How many sugars does John take in his coffee?
Flynn: Dude, they call that homework? More like devil’s work.
Cat: It’s easy, you morons. He takes his coffee black, like his soul.
Nancy’s wandering around the festival aimlessly picking up eggs when who should she run into but Brandon Woods. (Refresher: former BFF of Kirstin, gifter of the shit wagon we now use to deter visitors.)
Brandon: Oh wow, small world! So how do you know Kirstin?
Nancy: It’s a funny story, really…
She decides to skip the story, hilarious as it may be, and challenge him to a game of horseshoes instead.
Brandon: Oooh boy! Look at you go, pregnant lady!
Which he immediately abandons after witnessing Nancy’s first shot.
Brandon: Eh, you suck.
Nancy: I was close though?
Not even a little bit.
At which point she is resigned to eating Easy Bake muffins alone in the dark like the sad, sad soul she is.
Nancy: I have tasted regret. It tastes like blueberries.
Meanwhile, Radax celebrates a curbside birthday after he and Kirstin get off work.
Kirstin: Go on, schlep. Let’s see those wrinkles.
Radax: Well, how do I look?
Kirstin: …get in the car. We’ll talk about this at home.
I suspected as much.
This, of course, adds another layer of confusion to the children’s concept of normalcy.
Robin: Grandma, is Daddy a girl now?
Kirstin: …Hey, who wants cake?
(Oh! Before I forget, Remy’s child trait was Loser, and Robin’s was Absent-Minded.)
These kids have had so much cake in their lives that homework actually seems more appealing.
Robin: Did you take my eraser??
Cat: It’s on the end of your pencil, dipshit.
Robin: Grandma, she said a bad word!
Kirstin: Did she? Ten points to Cat.
For the record, Kirstin is an excellent moth—uh, Grandmother. Better than any Langurd, even though her trait panel is a steaming cesspool of awful. Figures.
Nancy: Yay, labour time!
Like I said, it can only get more messed-up from here.
Introducing Jules Docket (remind me to change that), greenest of all the greens, born with Athletic and Clumsy tendencies. His boat is floated by kids’ music, sushi, and black.
Official story: He would have been Jewel if he were a girl, because “jewel thief” and all that. Jules was the closest male equivalent I could think of.
Reality: Yeah, he’s basically named after the embellishments on his mom’s maternity shirt.
Also note: If his hair isn’t ginger, I’m renaming him “Dead to Me.”
No matter, it’s hardly the most absurd name in town. Meet Rehman and Roscoe Whalers-Sagar.
That’s right, Emily. This is your family!
Roscoe invites Flynn to hang out after school in his schmancy rich people house. Oh god I miss wallpaper and curtains.
Roscoe: Are you ready to par-tay?
Flynn: Hell yeah!
We all know what that’s code for.
Roscoe: The pathetic fallacy in Act Three, Scene Two is just divine.
Flynn: Theatre is so complex and powerful. Wow.
But yeah, sorry I’ve been so stingy with simself news. They’re still around and doing stuff, but this is about all I can tell you—Livy and Cool Dude in Sunglasses have reconciled after that scene at the Winter Festival. Would’a been kinda fun if she’d taken his last name (but gender equality ftw).
And here’s Joline Olivia-Wright—not a simself relation, but another victim of the kids’ new game.
Remy: See ya!
Joline: Third time this week…
Luckily, Nancy takes pity on the poor, freezing child and… pegs her with a water balloon?
Nancy: Hey Joline, think fast!
Sometimes, you have to stop and wonder if you’re the problem.
Nancy: It’s okay honey, I also suffer from Chronic Sucker Syndrome. Come over for tea and scones anytime.
Nancy: Nope, all I have is mouldy muffins. Gotcha!
Brace yourselves – we’re about to witness the first encounter…
Flynn: Wait a minute… there wasn’t a toilet here before!
When Kradax are at work, the basement becomes a totally lawless state.
Cat: I’ll sleep where I want to sleep. Maybe I’ll even throw out Dad’s flowers. Fuq da police.
Cat: Or maybe ’ll get real crazy and…
Cat: …become a teenager?
Oh dear god, it’s like Bartok mated with a hammerhead shark. D: Girl, you’re gonna need a CAS miracle.
Better, maybe? She was an actual hopeless case until I tried the short hair on her. Now she could almost pass for one of those alien-beautiful runway models.
Definitely what I meant.
Appropriately, Cat’s new trait is Supernatural Fan. 😉
Tricksy little hobbitses that she is, Cat aged up just in time to skip a day of school. So she shares a slice of pity cake with the sibs before their bus comes.
Flynn: So how come I’m the only one in this family who looks like a stupid tree, huh?
Remy: Oh no, here he goes again.
Flynn: When I’m king, all kids will be born looking exactly the same!
Remy: Good luck with that, Hitler.
Ah, the joys of misguided youths. :’)
Mind you, it’s not just the youths who are misguided around here.
Radax: I… I think I’m leaving you for the llama.
No joke—he rolls this mid-heartfart. Get yo shit together, Radax.
At least he’s been productive through it all. This is Level 6, I believe?
His next promotion requires him to befriend this guy named Gary and then sell all his secrets to the big bosses. It’s starting to get cutthroat up in here, boys.
Gary: Haha! Daughter’s been at your hair, eh? I got a little girl too – they’re ruthless with them clips and bows.
Radax: Oh. Yeah, for sure. Ruthless.
Be careful what you say, Radax. There could be a lurking child just around the corner who sneakily missed the school bus.
Robin: You wish I’d done your hair. It would look a thousand times better than that.
Hard to imagine Robin’s dreaming as big as she is, but this kid has no shortage of confidence.
P.S. I’ve decided not to lock in LTW’s for any of the kids; we’ll let Emily pick when they age up to YA, since she’s the one who has to suffer through them. 😉
Cat spends her day at a cooking class, then comes home and makes salad for everyone.
Cat: Something seems different in here.
Cat: You put the sunflowers on the counter.
Wow, how’d you know? -.-
There’s only so much Cat can learn without a stove, and $79 isn’t going to buy us one. Cue Super Grandma and her super secret heist.
Maria Best: Do I know you?
Kirstin: Just your friendly neighbourhood robber come to rob you.
Maria Best: Lolwut
I picked their house at random, but it turns out the Bests live in a mansion based on Tony Stark’s. Jackpot or what? Sadly, Kirstin can’t swipe anything while she’s being watched, and this whole open-concept thing doesn’t help matters.
Kirstin: Psssh, easy peasy. Watch and learn, kiddies.
Kirstin: Come, let’s play some chess.
Kirstin: Excuse me for a second.
Kirstin: Come, let’s play some pool.
Kirstin: One second. HEY, BOY, COME DANCE WITH ME!
Abigail: Wow, what a fun house guest!
Just then, I notice another family member strolling up to the front door. If only I could think of a way to stop him…
Calvin: Hey guys, I’m h— wait, what the fuck am I doing?
That takes care of everyone… except for this little snot.
We’ll get you yet, you smug shit…
Kirstin: Hey, would you mind taking your kid outside for like two seconds?
Abigail: Sure, no problem!
Kirstin: Alone at last!
Look at that sweet, sweet Festus 44! *drool* Please take the stove, please take the stove…
Kid: Why aren’t we stopping her?
Abigail: Damn you, Kirstin Maitland!
Somehow, she still gets kicked out for bad behaviour.
Abigail: Swiper, no swiping!
Catherine: Peace out, dude!
So much effort, and all she comes away with is this stupid overhead cabinet.
How’re you gonna tell your kids you don’t love them, huh?
After cashing in a few tidbits from the family inventory, this is Cat’s new toy. It’s no Festus 44, but at least it’s… hideous enough to match the rest of the house?
Nancy: Excuse me, I am raising a baby all alone here. I would appreciate a little recognition too!
Whoa now, you already had a story arc this chapter. Talk to me when Jules is a toddler.
The maternal instinct is strong in this clan. Cat is already subliminally teaching recipes to the younger kids.
Cat: And in the morning, you will use these skills to make muffins for your incredibly generous older sister. Sweet dreams!
Cat could use some sleep too, but…
…best not to disturb him when he’s clearly in a very fragile state.
Oh hey, I guess it’s Nancy’s turn to be on camera again!
Radax: Happy Birthday, son.
Nancy: Decided to acknowledge his existence, have you? Well, he’s gotten by just fine up ‘til now.
Radax: Okay cool, I was gonna take out the trash anyway.
Nancy: Just you watch, I’ll tell him he never had a father! He’ll grow up fine—just like Annakin Skywalker!
To Radax’s credit, he did roll one flimsy wish for his son. At least his heart was in it…?
Now let’s see that beautiful ginger h—
Aaaaand I’m too mad to write anymore, so that’ll be all.