Welcome to the first instalment of the Maitland Round-Robin Legacy!
No, not that kind of round robin. This is a collaborative project between members of Boolprop.net, during which ten simmers of vastly different backgrounds, play styles, and graphics settings will toss around one family like a hot potato.
Are you excited yet?
My name is Sam, or Gryffindork. I’m a spacey smart-ass from Eastern Canada who argues and plays quidditch at equally competitive levels. I live in a basement where I drink a lot of coffee, sew things, and exist in a constant power struggle with my overgrown kitten. After twelve years of simming, I’ve finally reached Gen. 6 on my main challenge, The Dysfunkshinul Legacy, while also staging a sadistic game show called Sim Salad.
For the time being, I’m in charge of the founding generation of this legacy! I typically should not be in charge of things, so it will probably go something like this:
But I will try my best.
This is our confused founder, Radax Maitland. He was created by Emily Whalers, who will be taking over the second generation when I’m done ruining it.
Here’s what she has to say about Radax:
“He is half-alien, hence the science fiction-y first name and regular last name. Traits are Kleptomaniac, Unlucky, Daredevil, Childish, and Charismatic. Favourites are PB&Js, Electronica, and Blue. His Zodiac is Sagittarius, and his LTW is to become a Master Thief. Basically, his last bank heist failed, so he decided to make a run for it, to wherever Sam will play Gen 1. He was so Unlucky that his Charismatic nature couldn’t help him out that jam.”
So I thought, where better for a burglar to run off to than a city where people eat caviar off of gold-plated iPads and then throw them away?
Welcome to the land of fame excess Starlight Shores!
♫ Look to my right and I see the µΓδπΓσµΣδ sign ♫
I think we’re going to have fun here.
But of course, a wanted man like Radax can’t live among flashing cameras and security guards. So he found a secluded patch in the hills and dug himself a hole.
Radax: I did?
Climb down and see.
A wiser man would not obey that order without question.
Radax: But it’s so shiny!
Lucky for Radax, this hole in the ground is perfectly safe. Designed expressly with his safety in mind, at that.
Radax: And hoarding things! It’s perfect for hoarding things!
I was getting there.
Radax furnished the place with whatever he could quietly drag off the streets in the dead of night. This resulted in some really tasteful wall decor.
And some really makeshift furniture. Somewhere, some kids are missing their skateboards and a community pool is in total anarchy.
Because who doesn’t want to bathe in front of six copies of the same poster?
Let’s just pretend this isn’t creepy.
And let’s pretend this doesn’t violate 8,792 fire codes. I’m sure I’ve never spent so much of a founder’s money on lighting. Also, I have no idea why one side of the cave has support beams while the other half doesn’t.
Just a short drive from Radax’s cave are (most of) the simselves, looking fresh out of a ginger convention. Seriously guys, this is alarming.
Front to back we have: Ashley Simself (DreamWeaver), Echo Weaver, Ani-Mei Angel, Emily Whalers, Heather ZaleISBI, Livy King (DSLady), and yours truly. Across the road, Julia Laserkatt, Samali Nike (somebodysangel), and Salome Voguish (Voguishstorm) are slumming with a rich lady and her secret lover.
Radax’s first wish is to join the Criminal career, so he hops in a cab and drives the Sunset Strip.
♫ That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio, and a Jay-Z song was on ♫
Get outta my head, Miley.
The C-Ment Shoe Factory is a perfectly respectable place where posh mothers take their children on Monday strolls.
Lady: This is where they make your sneakers, Little Bobby. Occasionally someone disappears forever but there’s not much we can do about that.
Kid: Gee whiz!
Radax gets the job he wanted (hint: it doesn’t involve shoes) and immediately heartfarts his boss despite never having met her.
What do you call that, anyway? Love at -1st Sight?
I follow the pop-up to find Kirstin Law, who lives in the boonies and looks like she eats children. She’s either very wrong for us for very, very right.
And then my camera gets dragged across town AGAIN because this fool comes to play. Stahp game, you’re making me dizzy!
Mascot: I like to wear a llama suit.
Kid: That’s cute.
Completely forgetting the bounty on his head, Radax decides to enjoy some local culture. He starts at the “Weight and Sea” gym, where the entire Whitfield family is contemplating whether or not to enter.
Diane: Elliptical or Chipotle? That is the question.
Barry: Well, I’ve already made up my mind.
Radax makes the sensible choice since he’s locked in a wish for an Athletic point. I’ll bet that poolside view is very inspiring.
Radax: Bikini bod, here I come!
Not what I meant, but okay.
However, twelve falls later he is of a different mind.
Radax: Should’a gone for the burritos.
Yeah, at least eating is something you can’t screw up. Not like putting one foot in front of the other.
Radax: Leave me alone, I was born on a spaceship!
That’s what they all say.
Radax: Um, I’m pretty sure it’s n—
Behold, we have solved one of the Shore’s great whodunnits within minutes of being here. This is from the “Dueling Singers” household description (with grammar corrections):
“Rich and Sadie are a happy couple who invited their friend Mercedes to move in with them. The original plan was for Sadie to help Mercedes jumpstart her Singing career, but now Sadie is worried Mercedes is garnering her fame. Worse yet, Mercedes has taken a liking to Sadie’s boyfriend Rich as well. Did Sadie make a mistake in inviting Mercedes into her home, or will Mercedes’ attempts to steal both Sadie’s boyfriend and fans fall flat?”
Canoodling couple is Rich and Mercedes. Blue shirt is Sadie. In a few seconds, Sadie rounds that corner and her life is torn apart.
But then she marries him anyway because she has no self-respect.
Radax puts in his time like a good criminal, but enough is enough.
Radax: If I go any longer I might break something.
Lela Whitfield: Ow, my neck!
Then he heads out to the boonies to see if Evil Boss Lady is home, but she’s not. So he does what anybody would do in the same situation. He starts digging through her trash.
Radax: I see now this was a bad idea.
Relax, maybe they’ll mistake you for a lizard. Or a giant maggot. Or a leaf blowing in the wind.
Radax: You’re racist.
Then he kicks over her flamingo for good measure, just so there can be no doubt he was there.
Radax: I am the picture of stealth.
After finding only scrap in the first bin, Radax realizes he might be better off looting the nicer houses.
Radax: Bubble bath, score!
That’s what the label says, anyway.
Nightfall finds us back at Kirstin’s house ‘cause we ain’t no quitters.
Kirstin: So you’re the new schlep I hired.
Radax: It’s an honour, ma’am.
Then the walls go down and this pops up:
And I’m looking at this very modest swamp cottage thinking “lol there’s no way,” but then I notice something peculiar about the place…
…and then I go back and read Kirstin’s household description, and it dawns on me: she’s a Klepto too!
I’m actually quite impressed. She earned her Rich designation solely by hoarding a bunch of stolen electronics. And some newspapers, apparently. There’s just one teensy flaw in her way of life…
Kirstin: Come on in, make yourself at home.
Kirstin: Shit, do you think he’ll notice?
Maybe if he weren’t so single-minded…
Radax: Hey, cool football! I’m just gonna nip into your bathroom real quick if that’s cool with you.
The second he’s alone behind a closed door, his itching hands get the better of him.
Radax: I’ll just take a little something… as a souvenir, you know…
Radax: But what should I take?
How about the—
Radax: Damn, that would’ve been smart. Oh well, too late.
You really are a schlep. Quick, get out of there before she realizes she has nowhere to pee!
Radax: Nice visit, boss! See you again soon!
I’m not sure how I feel about where this is going.
All in all though, not a bad first day. New job, a skill point, a shit ton of scrap in his pockets, and a free toilet. And after he hauls ass home, he takes a long, relaxing soak in his stolen “bubble bath.”
Radax: Mmmm, smells like paint thinner.
The next morning, Kirstin calls him fifteen minutes before he needs to be up for work. It’s almost like she doesn’t trust him.
Which is probably smart I mean he did steal her toilet and all
By the time he emerges from his hole, he looks so spiffy you’d hardly know he lives like a sewer rat.
Kid: Morning, sir! Here’s your paper!
Radax: How do you know I live here?
Kid: The giant time portal is kinda hard to miss.
Radax: DAMMIT. I mean, uh, you should stay away from here… it’s not safe.
Kid: Okay, but let me know if you see a skateboard around! My friend Bobby lost his.
I don’t know what to do with myself while Radax is at work (it’s been eons since I played a household smaller than 4) so I spend the day people watching. Highlights include Livy appraising a lamp at a random beach lot.
Livy: I love… lamp. I love lamp.
And this jerk (Steve Cupp) slapping this nerd (Mitch Lee) on three separate occasions. The conflict seems to have stemmed from a rejected high five.
Steve’s going in for #4 as Radax leaves the building.
Radax: This job is exhausting.
It could be worse. You could be Mitch.
It can’t be that exhausting if you’re rolling wishes for workouts.
Radax: I’m a masochist. Is this not the face of a masochist?
No, that’s the face of a chipmunk.
The next day, I don’t need to go people watching because the simselves come to us! Turns out Ani-Mei actually works here.
Radax: She’s one of Kirstin’s schleps, too.
An honourable title if there ever was one.
Heather and Echo are just… really excited to be here.
Heather: We’re in a legacy!!!
Echo: Keep your pants on, eh?
And Sam and Emily are being mature adults bonding over their shared heritage.
Sam: I’m a moose!
Emily: I’m Bieber on meth!
Sam: You win!
Emily: What are you doing now?
Sam: Streaming videos about goats. Wanna see?
Emily: No, you’re boring.
Sam: But they’re GOATS! Hahaha!
Emily: You know what’s better than watching goats with you?
Some people will go so far to prove a point…
(Side note: while she was in the trash, I remembered I was supposed to change one of her base-game traits to Avant Garde, so I NRaaS’d her on the spot. As a result, you could say the dumpster dive was a pretty life-altering experience.)
My simself is also showing her true colours; she adopted a kitten named Eleanor on Day Two and immediately dumped the responsibility on her housemates.
Eleanor: Are you my mommy?
Heather: …Can we just send it back?
Echo: *already looking up the number for the pound*
This is what the simselves are driving. Apparently it came with their house, which I built a while back for some sims I made with my roommates. When you realize it’s usually driven by a woman named Flalice Montgolfière, it’s even more wonderful.
Kirstin: Hey, schlep. Nice to see you again.
Radax: *gulp* Has she seriously not noticed?
To his credit, he wanted to give it back as soon as he stole it. But I put my foot down – a free toilet is a free toilet, after all.
And actually, the real reason he’s back at Kirstin’s is to swipe some more lucrative items. Unfortunately, she follows him into literally every room he enters, making it impossible for him to casually pocket a 180” television.
Radax: Dangit, I just want to steal your stuff!
Kirstin: What’s that?
Radax: Er, I just want to… see your stuff. Your moves. Show me your dance moves.
Somehow this just got dirty.
A woman’s heart is the key to her flat screen, don’t you know.
And that was how Radax and Kirstin had their first kiss under the full moon to the simlish version of “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men.
♫ Don’t listen to a word I say / The screams all sound the same ♫
Kirstin: Oh, Radax!
Kirstin: I have to go now. I think you should leave too.
Yeah, WHAT? You said he could stay the night, you bitch! Here I was hoping she’d go to work and we could loot the place in peace, but apparently that’s asking too much. Jeez.
Fast forward several hours and it’s Leisure Day, meaning both Radax and Kirstin have the day off from committing crimes. Any decent crime org would work extra hard through the summer while beers ad barbecue have people’s guards down, but I digress. To celebrate this special day, Radax decides to show Kirstin his man cave.
Kirstin: Something about this place seems oddly familiar.
Radax: It’s not the toilet, that’s for sure.
Kirstin: What? Why would it be the—
Kirstin: Wow, you’re weirdly light. Does gravity not apply to you?
Radax: I was born on a spaceship.
Kirstin: That’s what they all say.
Radax: NO IT ISN’T.
They have a brief falling out caused by—you guessed it—a rejected high five. This horrible affront to human decency alerts us to Kirstin’s true nature…
But they get over it.
Poster Girl: Oh, how nice!
Radax: I was thinking, I could be your partner in crime. We could steal all the things. We’d be unstoppable.
Kirstin: You like stealing things too?
Radax: Yeah, like your toilet.
Kirstin: You stole my toilet??
Radax: Crap. I mean, nooo…
Kirstin: Seriously, are you sure that’s not my toilet? It has a very distinctive flushing sound.
Radax: I did not steal your toilet. And I definitely did not break it just now. *definitely just broke it*
Kirstin: This is definitely my toilet.
Radax: Okay babe, you got me. Fancy a bubble bath?
You smooth son of a bitch.
And so, despite the fact that Kirstin looks pissed even in her sleep, and I imagine she snores more aggressive Z’s than the average sim, these two little burglars huddle up for the night in their cozy cave.
And that’s when I hear the last music I ever expected to hear, because it would just be too fitting at a time like this…
Gerald: Is this the Burglars’ Convention?
No. Please leave.
Gerald: Where is everyone?
Gerald: Would you please kindly point me in the right direction?
No. No house here. Go away now.
YOU CLEVER BASTARD.
Radax’s autonomous “Burglar!” command sends him to the rescue.
Radax: Sorry, ladder’s occupied.
Gerald: It’s okay, I’ll wait.
Radax: Here, let me get out of your way.
Gerald: Thanks, man!
What are you waiting for, Radax? AFTER HIM!!
Radax: I’m getting there!
Tell me he didn’t just…
Radax: NOOO! NOT THE TOILET OF LOVE™!!!
Gerald: And my next prize will be…
Okay, nobody is that dumb…
…except for Gerald Root, apparently.
Good luck getting out now, sucker!
Wait, what? o.O
Radax: It’s okay everyone, he’s not a burglar! He’s just a mime!
Gerald: Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a–
BUT A SPIDER CAN’T DO THAT D:
At this point Kirstin and Radax are trapped underground, and I’m pretty much resigned to Gerald getting away with the ladder and the borked, twice-thieved toilet. Then, for the first time ever, the summoned cop has perfect timing. I’m so happy I could kiss her.
Dayum. I was kidding, but look at that chinadoll face. I bet she’d make pretty babies.
Officer Nancy Docket: Sir, you are under arrest. I need you to put your hands behind your back.
Gerald: But I was soooo close!
Officer Nancy Docket: Sir, close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
I think I’m falling in love with her.
At this point I decide on an ultimatum. If Nancy wins and apprehends the burglar, Radax will marry her. If the burglar gets away, Radax will stick with Kirstin.
So who will it be??? Tune in next time to find out! 😀